saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
