Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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