I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
