smell my finger.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
