The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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