Little spoons don't ask big questions
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
