First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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