That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
