what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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