omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
