I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
