I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
