I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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