Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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