I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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