some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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