i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
