I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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