I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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