What did we do last night that was yellow?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
