I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
