My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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