So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The adults are the big ones right?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
