he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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