Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
