Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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