i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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