I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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