haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
