i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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