my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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