Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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