True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
