If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
