Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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