Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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