Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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