I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We need a shit load of segways right now
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
