we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
