He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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