put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
