We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
