You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
