that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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