I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Everclear isn't food dammit
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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