she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I FOUND THE LEGS
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?