Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
