I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
