When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
