He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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