Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
