I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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