I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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