We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
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We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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