If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
