how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
