im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
